When Love is not enough?

Hi...I am still in germany, and things are NOT going well. It seems everytime I talk or try to talk to Dagmara...things just seem to get worse. Instead of better and closer relations...we are drifting farther and farther apart.

One of or probably the MAIN reason is, I found out, that when I invited her to come be with me in Florida, see my house, fly to the Bahamas with me, and meet a few friends that I have made there...she refused.

I always had to hear from her that her biggest dream was to come to the US with me. See it all for the first time with me. Well, She told me that the reason she spit in my face, and pissed on my offer...was so that she could fly to New York..."Alone".

Now...I was born at night...but I wasn´t born LAST night! She can tell me that she went there, and travelled allllll over by herself, until she is blue in the face, and until Monkeys fly out of my ass...but I simply do NOT believe it. Especially after I see on her new Facebook site, that she has dzens of new "friends" and a huge portion of the list lives IN or near New York.

She simply went there to hook up with someone that she met online. My girl...the girl I love and would die for...she knew what she was doing, and she knew it would hurt me. Great.

Anyway...at home, things are veeeery cold, and hateful. I try desperately to talk sense to her...but she is simply not having it. I ask her to come lay on the sofa, watch a Movie with me...she refuses. She instead, sits on My Space and Facebook for 4- 6 HOURS a night, sometimes past midnight...and leaves me sitting alone. The guy that came half way around the world to ask her to Marry me.

She keeps saying "I need time to think about my trip to New York (huh? What the FUCK is there to think about, other than the fact that she lied to me, and put herself in GREAT danger by going there to hook up?) Yeah...I would re-examine that as well I guess.

So, I recommended that I simply take off for a week or so, go see my old friends in the Czech Republic, guys that I have known for over 15 years. Her answer? "Yeah! Great! Go be with all the Czech Bitches that you knew before me...go be Mr Big Party American...but do it, and never come back, never contact me again".

If you look in the Dictionary under "DOUBLE FUCKING STANDARD"...you will see my dear Dagi´ßs picture there! She takes the old school Double Standard, and turns it into something brand new entirely! Unreal!

In other words, with her; "Whats good for the Goose is NOT good for the Gander".

She can do, say and feel as she wishes, regardless as to how hurtful and hateful and damaging it is...and suffer NO consequences. I on the other hand, am not allowed to travel, to see-talk with-communicate with anyone else on the Planet, without suffering the gravest of consquences!

Fair? I think not.

So...dear Reader, you are asking...why do I put up with it all? Well, I ask myself that very same question about every 3 minutes of my life these days. I really do. Is it worth it? I went and did everything she ORDERED me to do...every single thing.
Job? I have two...Car? I have a new Explorer. House? I live in a 4 Bedroom house with a nice Garden. What else? I did it! I won! She kicked me out of her life and left me to die in a crappy City apartment I used to have "sans heat" at 7 degrees BELOW zero....didnt give the slightest shit about me, left me to die. And for what?

Then...by some fucking Miracle, we were on the way to patching things up, getting back togeher, even making love with each other again....and now what? All te promises that she made? Broken. Everything that comes out of her mouth? Fucking lies and contradictions. Me? But no...Jimmy has to live like a Choir boy...Jimmy cannot travel and go see friends! (She keeps begging for silly assed "alone time"...) I gave her 4 fucking MONTHS of alone time! And look what she did with the time! LOOK WHAT SHE DID WITH IT!

Its just not fair.

And, truthfully...I really do not know how much longer I can put up with it. Everyone has their limits...and with her, and her damned Mother talking shit about me behind my back...and I am supposed to sit there and just take it? How long?

This morning before she went to work, we managaed to talk for almost an hour...

The thoughts flew into my head and out my mouth at warp speed! I professed for her my love...my promises for the future...

Her answers? Now that I did each and every thing that she asked me to do? Every fucking thing in the PAST tense...

" We were..."
" Do it for you, not for me"
"Forget me, I have no feelings any more"
"Leave me my alone time" (That she uses 4-6 hours EACH and every day without exceüption to chat and exchange pics with other assholes that she met online....!! It would be FUNNY if it were not so fucking SAD!

And on top of all that, the Irony of it all is not lost on me I can assure you! I BEGGED her to let me have Internet put into our apartment...and she adamantly refused, for 4.5 years! I had to go drive in the fucking SNOW 12 inches deep to go check my business mails for allllll that time. And now? Now she has the Net at hoe, and it has 1000% taken over her life, and made her blind to everything around her!

There was not even fucking FOOD in her apartment when I got back! There was an old tomatoe, a moldy piece of bread, some dried up cheese, expired bottle of salad dressing and NOTHING else in her Fridge! She is now like a fucking drug addict!

The irony of it all!! Unreal!


So...the question remains...how long? How long can I take it? And why should I?

Because...she is broken...and needs to be repaired. She has a sickness...so, I need to stay with her, and help her to et well...to see again. Its my duty...and when I said I loved her forever, its what I mean.

This is a test. and I will pass the test- Her life depends on it.

If some of her friends are reading this (and I am sure they are...) then TELL her...before its too late...before she pushes me out of her life, and she misses the chance to have everything in her life that she ever wanted or dreamed of...talk to her! BEFORE ITS TOO LATE!

Because if I lose her...then I have lost all that is important to me. If I lose her...I lose my life as well. It ends at that moment.

Dagmara...I love you, and will keep fighting as long as I have the resources and will, and strength.....but believe me... am not your fool...I see through your games. I have feelings too, and I have my limits.

Come back before it is too late! PLEASE!

Back in GERMANY!

What do they say about Italy? It would be a great place if it wasn´t full of Italians? Well, thats kinda harsh...I like Italians! But the Germans? Man o MAN! They get on my nerves BIG TIME!

OK...I have been offline quite a while, and WHOLE lot has happened!

I left Orlando Florida to come back to Germany to deal with some things that are undone, and are coming undone. I went out today and checked on my Cars (all is well more or less) started 2 of them, changed some stuff around, took out the trash, and topped off all the fluids.

But...the news I know you are waiting on is....(ta da!)
"Whats going on with Dagmara???" (That as your question...right?)

Well...heres the news...

When I flew in, I "sneaked" into Schweinfurt. It was (What else...) cold, raining cats and dogs, and was cold. There was even sow on the ground as my train took me thru the Spessart mountains between Frankfurt and Schweinfurt.

My Buddy Chris let me bunk at his place, so I went out there to his pad, got settled, showered, and dozed off....for 13 hours! (I must have been tired!)

Anyway....I was dying to know/see what was going on with Dagmara...so I went into the City, bought a nice Red Rose, had it wrapped nice, and I went over to her place. I didnt know it, but she was off work that day (I found out when I looked for her there first...) she gets now not too many off days, because they are short handed over there...anyway, she was at home.

So...I rang the bell, and when she answered (my heart was beating hard!) I said "POST!" (Which is German for the Mailman...)

She actually didn't recognize my voice, and she rang me in! So, up the 6 flights of stairs I went...I heard as she opened her door, ready to receive the Mailman...and then I came around the corner, and she saw me!

It was funny, because instead of being yelled at or criticized(Like I had expected) she actually smiled, and (wow!) let me in!

I kissed her, hugged her, and gave her the Rose. We ended up talking quite calm and friendly (despite all the unnecessary BS that she has put me through the last 4 months with her freaking online escapades...) for over and hour .

So...after leaving that day. she called me that night, and asked if we could go out to eat...a good beginning. That was a week ago...after 2 nights with Chris, she finally asked me to come stay with her.

Its been touch and go, and we have had a few heated discussions (she is VERY stubborn, and everything she says is right, all that I say is WRONG...) but,she hasn't thrown me out in the street like she did back in November and then again in January . So far, so good.

We are not 100% with each other (if you know what I mean...) but...I feel the situation getting better day by day. I think I will ask her if she wants to take a 4 day trip to our old stomping grounds in Antwerp soon....

Cross your fingers! I have taken a LOT of pics with my new Camera, so when I get back on my own PC instead of this creepy PC in a terrorist Internet cafe run by Jihadi´s...I will post them.

So...as the Italians say...

"Ciao for now!"

Lonely, Lazy Sunday....

G' day, and welcome to my Sunday Blog entry. have to say, that this blog site doesnt get near as much traffic or comment as my old My Space site did...but, at least I am not being stalked and harassed by other people here. At least something right?

Well, my round trip ticket to America has to be used by Tuesday...so, I will hop a flight back to Germany, and use the time back in Europe to see my kiddies, check on my cars, and of course...try feverishly to re-connect with my Dagmara...

She wrote me an SMS about 2 days ago. It was in response to one that I sent to her by mistake...one that was meant for my buddy Danny. She evidently could sense the depair and sadness in my message and she answered...also one of her famous short SMS's...

"I am so sorry you are sad".

Well ladi DA! OF COURSE I am SAD! Damn!

Well...she is the first thing I think of when I wake up in the mornings, and the very last thing I think about before I doze off...which incidentally is getting harder and harder these days, and almost impossible without taking a Melatonin tablet before I get into bed.

Now the nervousness of my coming back...and she doesn't know. I will just go back, then try to do some things in and around Schweinfurt without letting her know that I am there...maybe even watch her from afar...see how she is doing. Then when the time is right, maybe I'll go by H&M, bring some roses...say hi, then? Dinner?

Hope springs eternal....

I love her so much...and I miss her even more. And, even though I am coming back home...I have to eventually return to Florida, because I closed out my Apartment in Germany! I will have no home to go to...so, if she doesn't take me in, or let me stay over (a VERY real possibility...) I will have to impose on friends...

This all makes me very nervous. All of it does....its burning bloody holes in my stomach...

But I saw a Movie today, in which the main character was describing how he eventually convinced the girl of his dreams to Marry him....he said...

"Persistence pays off".

So...I will just keep trying....I simply cannot lose this girl! She is all I have...and all I want.

All I am, is Dagmara.


Good night sweety....I will be there soon.


xxxxJim

Apologies are in order....

They always are where I am concerned it seems! I was sitting out on my Patio last night...warm 78 degrees, birds were chirping, Mosquitoes were nipping, and it hit me....
All of the time with my Dagi...I was always on the defensive with her. OK, maybe not "always", but a HUGE amount of our time together.

It seems, that since I was not working "Full time", and seemed to be just lounging around on the Sofa quite a bit, while Dagmara worked full time and all day...that this may have seemed a tad "unfair" to my Brown Eyed girl! So Dagi...when you see this one day...I apologize!

Here are a few other things that I have already apologized for (profusely!) but will for sake of conversation, and hopefully resolution...will do again:

* I am sorry for yelling at you for calling me too much. It used to really bug me, because you called the T-H-E worst moments. But I would pay a million dollars to have you call me now! So, I am sorry.

* I am sorry for not having taken more aggressive steps to more permanent and meaningful work sooner. The chance really didn't didn't present itself to me until Dirk opened his door (and Wallet) to me here in Florida. Ironically, it was YOU that made me come here, and YOU that now tells everyone that I "left you". Well...now that I am here, and have accomplished virtually all of the things that I set out to do, and then extended you a very gracious invitation to come here and see things for yourself. You spat in my face, and refused my offer. So, what do I have to be "sorry" for in this instance? I am "sorry" for believing that you were a person of positive character, and for believing that you meant what you said, and that you really loved me. I am sorry for being so gullible, and so Naive.
* I am sorry that I called your Mother such bad names after we broke up in December. In my own Defense, I can only say that she led me to believe that she cared for me, and was interested in our relationship. When it turned out that she was two-faced, and was plotting against me behind me back...then this makes me (again) feel "sorry" for having believed in your Family. I am "sorry" I was blind. Love makes you that way ya know!
* I am sorry that I always referred to women or girls that I knew from my past. I truly am sorry for this. But can you remember that it was you that practically tortured me to find out these things? That you asked silly questions about all my past relationships incessantly? And for what? Then, when I made the mistake of telling you...my reward for openesss and honesty? Your constant temper tantrums and psychotic episodes. (of which the one we are experiencing right now, takes the cake, wins the prize, and is worth of an Oscar!) The lengths that you have gone to now, to make my life Hell...to turn on me, and forget all of the promises that you made to me once again make me (you guessed it...) "Sorry". I am sorry I was so open, I am sorry I didn't see that you would one day use these things against me, I am sorry for not seeing and believing again...Sorry, sorry, sorry.

* I am sorry for spending more money and time on my cars than was necessary. I know it took thousands of dollars in Monies that we could have used for Vacations, or trips, or (more) gifts for your Family. I am sorry for this...but it was my cars and my Hobbies that helped me in the times when you were on my back the most. I used it as a crutch...and for this, I am sorry.

(Its interesting to note here, that where I am constantly being forced to apologize for the silliest of things...that my dear Sweet Dagi has N-E-V-E-R apologized, or admitted to a mistake in the entire 4.5 years thyat we were together! Not once, ever, period! Hard to believe, but true. Sad but true actually. And, when I would "call" her on it, and ask directly or indirectly? her answer "Ja mein gott! Es ist halt so". (German translation: "Yeah, so what...thats the way it is")

Not exactly the foundation of healthy two-way communication is it? But I love her...what can I say! She is the girl for me. Plain and simple.

I imagine there are probably dozens of other things that I could apologize for, and if I can think of them, I'll add them here. These are just the ones that I could think of on the spur of the moment.

And so, I once again...apologize, and say I am sorry...for not remembering all the things that I should be saying I am sorry about!

Chasing Dagmara

Chasing Dagmara....the Love of my life, the girl of my dreams. The girl that these days doesn't answer my phone calls, never calls me her self, and writes rude, short, and hateful Emails.

Why? I have no idea. So...instead of drinking myself to death worrying about our (now) broken relationship...I instead will divert my energies into this Blog and online Photo album. I hope you enjoy it, and I hope my prayers will be answered, and that she will one day come back to me, and being the sweet girl I fell in love with so deeply 4.5 years ago.



There she is...this is how she looked the night I met her at the Club called "Banana's" in the Schweinfurt Hafen. This is where it all started...


This is Dagi and her friend Viola. Viola is also Polish, and worked there as a Waitress. She made KILLER Long island Ice teas...and I used to drink 4-6 of these Monsters each night....that was until Dagi came along, and I had a reason to live again....
Here we are...What later became Schweinfurts premier couple! Everywhere we went, people saw two people that T-R-U-L-Y loved each other. We were the envy of the town. What I didn't see or realize, was that our living in Schweinfurt was a ticking time bomb...Dagi hates it there (so do I!) And, she became very impatient with me. She basically gave me an ultimatum....

"Turn your life around, start real work again...regain your identity and pride again, or I am gone".


These are the words she said to me 2 years ago once the stress of our life in Schweinfurt started to show cracks in our relationship...little did I know how seriously she meant that! So...drastic measures were called for, and I acted!

I am now in Orlando...doing EXACTLY what she asked me to do...working, making a new life. And my reward? How does she thank me?

By dating other men, writing 4 WORD text messages, and refusing to answer my phone calls.

"No good deed goes unpunished".









This is how Dagi looked the month I first met her. This pic is of her and Zina, a gal that works with Dagi at H&M in Schweinfurt.

I have (last count) more than 2,000 pictures of Dagi, but only about 80-90 on my Travel/memory stick . I'll try to post what I have, and put is a small blurb about her, about us, and what was going on during that particular picture.






These two "Witchywoman" pics were taken at the lake in Schweinfurt. When we didnt have the money or time to go somewhere else, we usually went there to watch the ducks, and just talk and be together. I miss these days more than you can imagine.


Jimmy and Dagi out on the town....This is how most people remember us...always together, and smiling.



Squeeze her, and please her! I love her so much...more than my own life....




My Sexi hexi! (This is my nickname for her...) it means "My Sexi Witch" in German. And that is what she will always be to me. When I take my last breath on this Earth, it will be Dagi's face that I see....




Here we are at a Truck Stop on our first Trip up to Darlowo....it was the first of many many trips we took together...

Got a 4 WORD text message from my Love today!

WOW! Imagine that! 4 w-o-r-d-s! Awesome! Here it is, I am working my ass off, 7500km's away, trying to UNdo all the mess and drama that has gone on the last few years...stay here separated from the woman I love, endure her rude, and short and insulting Emails and texts....all after I sent her and her Family a huge box of nice American clothing....and all I get? "Thanks for the clothes".

Awesome! (Actually there was a Digital photo key chain in there (pre-loaded with our best Jim and Dagi shots), Candy and clothes for her nephew, a nice Card for her Mother...just a TON of stuff.....

And all I get is....

"Thanks for the clothes".

GREAT! What about "Hey Jim! Thanks for the cool stuff...it all arrived intact today, everybody really likes it all. My Family asks me to say that they miss you and hope that you are doing well, and they hope to be able to see you soon".


How about that? I think that would have been nice....

But all I got? 4 Words...4 words, for the 4.5 years we have been together. Well, I have to fight (literally) the urge to call her up and talk to her, find out what we can do to END this silly horse shit....

But no....

I wont call today. I will just let it ride for now.And just hope that she sees what a mistake she is making. Just take it easy....and wait.

Dagmara...I am waiting honey! I love you!

My brown Eyed Girl....

Hi, I am back. I have a 2:00pm Chiropractor visit today, and time for a small Blog on the new site. As I said earlier, this Blog series is a "kinder, gentler" version of the rant that I posted on My Space a while back. I did go a "bit" too far in some of my descriptions of events gone by. And, I was a tad "unkind" to Dagmara (even though she fully deserved it...) THIS time around...I will go easy on her. (Or as easy as a true account can allow...)

The blogs that will follow will tell the story how we met, what all we have been up to since then, where we are, and where I hope we will end up. I am walking literally on Egg shells with the girl right now....with the "Sword of Domocles" suspended obver my head. You see, I am now in Orlando Florida with friends getting my life straightened out. (It was Dagi's idea that I do it...). A chance opened up, and I took it.

Problem is, "when the Cats away, the Mice will play". I am now here, and Dagmara has run wild with silly online ads trying to meet other guys, and has (what I have been told) is a virtually non-stop weekend get-a-way and night life.Me?

I havent't looked at, talked to, or been with another girl. Period.

All a matter of priorities, and what you want in life I guess. Am I running for office? Sainthood? No. Have I had chances? Too many to count. But, it's not what I want.
My girlfriend, and dare I say it , Fiancee, is one: Dagmara Emilie Moron. (I call her Dagmara Moroni because I think that is the "root" of her Italian heritage name...)

Her friends at work call her "Dagi" which I don't really care for...but which she insists on being called. Her Mom Calls her "Daga" and "Dagusch". All the Com Block gals have like 24 variants of their names...I learned that a long time ago.

So my Dagi...my Dagmara...my Brown Eyed Girl. We together, after about 4 years of "bliss", came to the conclusion, that I had hit a brick wall. I was robbed of my entire Savings and Operating funds at an Antique show in the Czech Republic in 2004. this set into a wave of events, that culminated in my losing businesses in 2 Countries, my Shop, and my Apartments in Prague and Antwerp. I lost it all...

But at the end of that...in the darkness, I met her. I met Dagi at a time in my life where I was not at all attractive to women. I was drinking too much...and was on the last legs of a 23 year long Marriage that I was desperate to end. (My then Wife, also seeing an abrupt end to a a VERY nice lifestyle that I had provided her with over the years, was also seeking greener pastures. So...there I was. tired, often drunk, and feeling basically just sorry for myself.

Then I met Dagmara.

She showed me (then) how decent and loving a girl could be. She showed me (then) how GOOD a person could be...how someone could really help, and lift someone up out of the troubles and worries that they had. She was (then) that person.

Now? A terrible change has taken place. She has become cold...distant, rude...disconnected. I don't even recognize her voice anymore when I call....she sounds like, and has become a totally different person. And it was with this change of voice and persona, that i found out that she has been unfaithful...and has been with other Men.

And this has truly broken my heart.


Although we are separated by space and distance, my Love for her will never diminish. I still love her. the very reason that I am HERE, is because of that love. When a Sailor sails away, and leaves a Wife or Lover behind...it is the love he has for her, and the hope that she will keep her heart open only for him...that keeps him going on cold nights at Sea.

this has been taken away from me. And for what reason? truly? I have no idea...

I try and try...I call, send gifts, send cards...and get no response. But, I have not given up. Will I? Never!

I will gain her love and respect back, or die trying. It's as simple as that!

In later Blogs...I will talk about how we met, and the hopes that I have for the future. See you then!

WELCOME! I am back!

Welcome to (yet another...) Day one Dagi blog! Who am I? Who the hell is Dagi? Well, I am Jim the guy who loves her, and Dagi is the girl of my dreams. She is the girl I have waited all my life to meet. So...why the Blog? Well, circumstances have placed us now 7500Km's apart...so this is my little way of maintaining that small sliver of sanity that I have left by "Blogging" about our (now) troubled relationship.





I had more than 30+ Blogs on that "other" Blog site (My Space) up until about a week ago. But, it seems that one of Dagi's acquaintances saw it in its raw and unfinished form, and blew the whistle on me! Result? Dagi basically gave me an ultimatum to remove it...and I did.

In my defense, it wasn't finished, and yes...I had said some rather unkind things about what all I have had to go through with that crazy girl (and continue to go through...) but, my irish Optimism shines through, and I am looking at that proverbial light at the end of the tunnel! So...lets hope for a happy end to our little saga? That it winds up in a way that we can laugh about later and tell our kids and grandkids about?

Or...will it end in another way? Only time will tell!

Disclaimer: In the last series of Blogs, I got a bit carried away in naming names, and quoting precise times and dates in describing some of the more embarrassing events in our (to date) 4.5 years together....so this time I will "soften it up" a bit for the reader. that way, what remains is a factual (and I stress, FACTUAL) account of what has happened, what is happening, and what I hope will happen with us in the future. That way, later, the truth will be out there for all to see. (Like the "X-Files"!) The truth is out there!

I will finish my intro blog with a bit of wisdom. I am very fond of profound and fitting historical quotes...whether it be from Greek or roman Philosophers (Tacitus and Plato being some of my fav's) but up to and including Modern Poets and Generals as well. My "penchant" for these quotes, and how I let them shape my prose and thinking, had me tagged when I was an Active Duty Army Officer, "The Philosopher Warrior". here is todays quote for thought:

  "He Who Loses Wealth Loses Much, He Who Loses a Friend Loses More But
He Who Loses His Courage Loses All"

Miguel de Cervantes
1547-1616