When Love is not enough?

Hi...I am still in germany, and things are NOT going well. It seems everytime I talk or try to talk to Dagmara...things just seem to get worse. Instead of better and closer relations...we are drifting farther and farther apart.

One of or probably the MAIN reason is, I found out, that when I invited her to come be with me in Florida, see my house, fly to the Bahamas with me, and meet a few friends that I have made there...she refused.

I always had to hear from her that her biggest dream was to come to the US with me. See it all for the first time with me. Well, She told me that the reason she spit in my face, and pissed on my offer...was so that she could fly to New York..."Alone".

Now...I was born at night...but I wasn´t born LAST night! She can tell me that she went there, and travelled allllll over by herself, until she is blue in the face, and until Monkeys fly out of my ass...but I simply do NOT believe it. Especially after I see on her new Facebook site, that she has dzens of new "friends" and a huge portion of the list lives IN or near New York.

She simply went there to hook up with someone that she met online. My girl...the girl I love and would die for...she knew what she was doing, and she knew it would hurt me. Great.

Anyway...at home, things are veeeery cold, and hateful. I try desperately to talk sense to her...but she is simply not having it. I ask her to come lay on the sofa, watch a Movie with me...she refuses. She instead, sits on My Space and Facebook for 4- 6 HOURS a night, sometimes past midnight...and leaves me sitting alone. The guy that came half way around the world to ask her to Marry me.

She keeps saying "I need time to think about my trip to New York (huh? What the FUCK is there to think about, other than the fact that she lied to me, and put herself in GREAT danger by going there to hook up?) Yeah...I would re-examine that as well I guess.

So, I recommended that I simply take off for a week or so, go see my old friends in the Czech Republic, guys that I have known for over 15 years. Her answer? "Yeah! Great! Go be with all the Czech Bitches that you knew before me...go be Mr Big Party American...but do it, and never come back, never contact me again".

If you look in the Dictionary under "DOUBLE FUCKING STANDARD"...you will see my dear Dagi´ßs picture there! She takes the old school Double Standard, and turns it into something brand new entirely! Unreal!

In other words, with her; "Whats good for the Goose is NOT good for the Gander".

She can do, say and feel as she wishes, regardless as to how hurtful and hateful and damaging it is...and suffer NO consequences. I on the other hand, am not allowed to travel, to see-talk with-communicate with anyone else on the Planet, without suffering the gravest of consquences!

Fair? I think not.

So...dear Reader, you are asking...why do I put up with it all? Well, I ask myself that very same question about every 3 minutes of my life these days. I really do. Is it worth it? I went and did everything she ORDERED me to do...every single thing.
Job? I have two...Car? I have a new Explorer. House? I live in a 4 Bedroom house with a nice Garden. What else? I did it! I won! She kicked me out of her life and left me to die in a crappy City apartment I used to have "sans heat" at 7 degrees BELOW zero....didnt give the slightest shit about me, left me to die. And for what?

Then...by some fucking Miracle, we were on the way to patching things up, getting back togeher, even making love with each other again....and now what? All te promises that she made? Broken. Everything that comes out of her mouth? Fucking lies and contradictions. Me? But no...Jimmy has to live like a Choir boy...Jimmy cannot travel and go see friends! (She keeps begging for silly assed "alone time"...) I gave her 4 fucking MONTHS of alone time! And look what she did with the time! LOOK WHAT SHE DID WITH IT!

Its just not fair.

And, truthfully...I really do not know how much longer I can put up with it. Everyone has their limits...and with her, and her damned Mother talking shit about me behind my back...and I am supposed to sit there and just take it? How long?

This morning before she went to work, we managaed to talk for almost an hour...

The thoughts flew into my head and out my mouth at warp speed! I professed for her my love...my promises for the future...

Her answers? Now that I did each and every thing that she asked me to do? Every fucking thing in the PAST tense...

" We were..."
" Do it for you, not for me"
"Forget me, I have no feelings any more"
"Leave me my alone time" (That she uses 4-6 hours EACH and every day without exceüption to chat and exchange pics with other assholes that she met online....!! It would be FUNNY if it were not so fucking SAD!

And on top of all that, the Irony of it all is not lost on me I can assure you! I BEGGED her to let me have Internet put into our apartment...and she adamantly refused, for 4.5 years! I had to go drive in the fucking SNOW 12 inches deep to go check my business mails for allllll that time. And now? Now she has the Net at hoe, and it has 1000% taken over her life, and made her blind to everything around her!

There was not even fucking FOOD in her apartment when I got back! There was an old tomatoe, a moldy piece of bread, some dried up cheese, expired bottle of salad dressing and NOTHING else in her Fridge! She is now like a fucking drug addict!

The irony of it all!! Unreal!


So...the question remains...how long? How long can I take it? And why should I?

Because...she is broken...and needs to be repaired. She has a sickness...so, I need to stay with her, and help her to et well...to see again. Its my duty...and when I said I loved her forever, its what I mean.

This is a test. and I will pass the test- Her life depends on it.

If some of her friends are reading this (and I am sure they are...) then TELL her...before its too late...before she pushes me out of her life, and she misses the chance to have everything in her life that she ever wanted or dreamed of...talk to her! BEFORE ITS TOO LATE!

Because if I lose her...then I have lost all that is important to me. If I lose her...I lose my life as well. It ends at that moment.

Dagmara...I love you, and will keep fighting as long as I have the resources and will, and strength.....but believe me... am not your fool...I see through your games. I have feelings too, and I have my limits.

Come back before it is too late! PLEASE!